Michael M Jones (oneminutemonkey) wrote,
Michael M Jones

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Simple Amusements

As you may know, I currently am working for a certain major chain bookstore. One of the things we have to do is push said chain's discount card to every customer who'll even acknowledge our beady, desperate gazes.

As a result of this, I have composed the...


10. I don't come out here that much. (i.e. I don't get out of the woods more than twice a year to buy more anti-government pamphlets, ammo, and bait)

9. I don't buy very many books. (i.e. I'm really just in for porn mags and beer.)

8. I have a card with Chain X instead. (i.e. I don't mind if they charge twice as much and give me nothing in return, they have a coffeeshop and ooo shiny!)

7. No habla English. (i.e. I don't speak English, which way to the lavoratory, your grandmother has hairy melons.)

6. I don't trust your cards. (i.e. I'm a paranoid freak who believes this is all just a conspiracy to track my movements and sell my address.)

5. It costs too much. (i.e. Despite spending $120 on books, gifts, bookmarks, booklights, magazines, packs of gum, and the Illustrated Pop-Up Kama Sutra, I don't want something that'll actually save me money.)

4. We don't have your store where I live. Or the one you're affiliated with. Or the other one you're affiliated with. Or the website. Or... (i.e. I live in the middle of nowhere and made this special trip just to spite you and get a $2.99 bargain book for Granny's stocking...)

3. I used to have one but I let it lapse. (i.e. I bought a card once while on a drunken bender, and have regretted it ever since I found the stack of Nora Roberts and Danielle Steels in the bathroom)

2. My wife/girlfriend/mother/sister/brother/cousin/lawyer/dog has one, can I use it? (i.e. I'll just mooch off of whoever's closer... hey, can I use yours?)

And the Number One Reason People Refuse Our Card is...

1. I'm just not interested. (i.e. I can see the desperate, pleading, yearning look in your eyes. You are a pathetic, pitiful, soulless broken shell of a human being working for the evil empire, and I shall deny you your victory, just so I can watch you whimper in defeat and try to regroup for the next victim...)

I love this job, but some days... :)

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