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Simple Amusements - Michael M Jones

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December 22nd, 2003


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01:21 am - Simple Amusements
As you may know, I currently am working for a certain major chain bookstore. One of the things we have to do is push said chain's discount card to every customer who'll even acknowledge our beady, desperate gazes.

As a result of this, I have composed the...

TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO REFUSE OUR CARD:

10. I don't come out here that much. (i.e. I don't get out of the woods more than twice a year to buy more anti-government pamphlets, ammo, and bait)

9. I don't buy very many books. (i.e. I'm really just in for porn mags and beer.)

8. I have a card with Chain X instead. (i.e. I don't mind if they charge twice as much and give me nothing in return, they have a coffeeshop and ooo shiny!)

7. No habla English. (i.e. I don't speak English, which way to the lavoratory, your grandmother has hairy melons.)

6. I don't trust your cards. (i.e. I'm a paranoid freak who believes this is all just a conspiracy to track my movements and sell my address.)

5. It costs too much. (i.e. Despite spending $120 on books, gifts, bookmarks, booklights, magazines, packs of gum, and the Illustrated Pop-Up Kama Sutra, I don't want something that'll actually save me money.)

4. We don't have your store where I live. Or the one you're affiliated with. Or the other one you're affiliated with. Or the website. Or... (i.e. I live in the middle of nowhere and made this special trip just to spite you and get a $2.99 bargain book for Granny's stocking...)

3. I used to have one but I let it lapse. (i.e. I bought a card once while on a drunken bender, and have regretted it ever since I found the stack of Nora Roberts and Danielle Steels in the bathroom)

2. My wife/girlfriend/mother/sister/brother/cousin/lawyer/dog has one, can I use it? (i.e. I'll just mooch off of whoever's closer... hey, can I use yours?)

And the Number One Reason People Refuse Our Card is...

1. I'm just not interested. (i.e. I can see the desperate, pleading, yearning look in your eyes. You are a pathetic, pitiful, soulless broken shell of a human being working for the evil empire, and I shall deny you your victory, just so I can watch you whimper in defeat and try to regroup for the next victim...)


I love this job, but some days... :)
Current Mood: predatorypredatory

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:juliann
Date:December 22nd, 2003 08:06 am (UTC)
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8,5,3 really DO apply to my parents. That is they shop at Borders exclusively. The *only* time they shop at B&N is when I am there, once a year. And even still they don't spend enough in that month to make it be worth the card (ie to get enough money back).

I *have* Borders in London, so of course I only want to shop at B&N when I am there :)
From:ebonhost
Date:December 22nd, 2003 09:51 am (UTC)
(Link)
Considering I used to work for a major book chain in Canada, I only have one thing to say to this list:

Yes.
[User Picture]
From:baileyjosh
Date:December 25th, 2003 08:31 pm (UTC)

randomly

(Link)
I'm ftm. :)

I work with Michael. Just commenting on his post here, and I saw you have ftm and trans as interests... just saying hello.
[User Picture]
From:baileyjosh
Date:December 25th, 2003 08:33 pm (UTC)
(Link)
too true... too true...

At least you haven't had to sell it for a year and a half though... oh and you left out the best one:
"Have you heard about our discou-"
"NO! Don't want it, not interested. No!"
[User Picture]
From:oneminutemonkey
Date:December 25th, 2003 09:26 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You're right, I did. On the one hand, I always want to thank them for cutting me off before I can start the spiel. But then again, it's like, "It saves ten percent on-" "Not interested". I hate being cut off like that. Especially when they shove the card over in the silent "Shut up and run the card through" gesture.

But it's all moot for now. I wonder what we'll get to shill - I mean offer- next. :>


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